Poker Jokes and Quotes

[iGaming Diva]

Why is “a man” like a deck of cards?
Because you need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to smash his head in, and a spade to bury the bastard.

[iGaming Diva]

Members please fell free to post your jokes and quotes!

We want to slap our knees in laughter!

Bring it on!

[iGaming Diva]

Charles 'Chic' Murray quoted:

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling… the rest I spend foolishly.

[iGaming Diva]

One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

[iGaming Diva]

"Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage."
— Gloria Steinem

[iGaming Diva]

A blonde woman was on a girls’ weekend in Las Vegas. She stood in front of a candy machine, put in two quarters, turned the knob, and a candy bar fell out. She repeated the process, and again a candy bar fell out.

Elated, she tried again as a man approached, saying, “Excuse me miss, what are you doing?”

She said, “Hello! I’m winning here!”

[iGaming Diva]

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine

[iGaming Diva]

What are vampires playing poker for?

High stakes.

HAHAHAHA

[james15]

HAHAHA . awesome jokes !! I love life in spite of all that mars it. I love friendship, jokes and laughter.

[james15]

Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

Im bored hahaha lol

[themagician]

Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

Im bored hahaha lol

I am liking your poker joke!! [am writing this with a poker face, so it qualifies for a poker joke,lol]

[james15]

yeah that's true really nice

[Anjelina]

There once was a woman who plays poker once a month with a group of female coworkers who was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 1:00 am. One night she decided to try not to wake him. She undressed in the living room and, put her purse over her shoulder, and tiptoed nude into the bedroom, but was surprised to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"


I think this one is the best for me)))

[Administrator]

Best joke I seen in a while lol

[Cayman012]

- What do craps dealers eat for dessert?
- Dice pudding.

[nancycarell84]

What is Bill Clinton's favorite game? Poke-her.

[nancycarell84]

What do you call a poker player without a girlfriend? Homeless.

[nancycarell84]

Why didn’t the elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.

[nancycarell84]

I hope you don't make love the way you play tournaments... all in and done in under a minute.

[nancycarell84]

I've had more flushes sucked out of me than a public toilet.

[nancycarell84]

I wouldn't wipe my a** with those cards if I was out of toilet paper.

[nancycarell84]

Some cowboys were playing poker in an Old West saloon. One of them laid down the winning hand, and another jumped up, yelling, “He’s cheatin! He aint playin the cards I dealt him!”

[nancycarell84]

A blond girl playing freeroll was taking her time and playing very slow. The timer was started and she still could not take a decision how to play the hand. Her friend asked her with surprise, “What is going on? Why aren’t you playing?” The blond girl replied, “I am playing! I am just slow-playing aces!”

[nancycarell84]

In a book store:
“I am looking for the book named 'How to win easily and fast with poker.'
Clerk says: “Please check the science fiction section.”

[nancycarell84]

Someone bets, say, $35. Some other guy, a player at the back of him will say, "I was going to call $34, but $35 is just too much."

[nancycarell84]

Husband Comes Home After A Poker Game...
I came home from the pub four hours late last night. “Where the **** have you been?” screamed my wife.
I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”
“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”
“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house anymore.”

[nancycarell84]

The wife of a doctor called the poker room to get her husband paged. They refused. The house doesn't make doctor calls.

[annescott336]

Awesome place I must say,this is a nice area where I can get all the required info.

[antony1988]

hahaha thank you guys!

[Stily1946]

I think this one is the best for me)))
Hahahahahha

[Stily1946]

Hahahahahha

This my favourite already! I have these friends that are doing it seriously though... :D
Like getting a call at 3am that someone needs to be picked up from the city center because of "double or nothing"... Guess which one of the two happened :D

[hansensteven]

nice post//

[GoldenOak]

Nobody is always a winner, and anybody who says he is is either a liar or doesn’t play poker.’ - Amarillo Slim

Sometimes nothing is a pretty cool hand...Lucas "Cool Hand Luke" Jackson